sunday night ritual

when i was in high school, sunday nights were kind of fun. i watched seventh heaven and ate mint chocolate chip ice cream.  it meant getting ready for the new week and it seemed like i usually had a new shirt or earrings from weekend shopping to get me excited for monday.  clean cotton sheets on the bed, clothes washed and laid out, instant oatmeal set in a bowl with a spoon.  i had a plan man.  it usually all went to hell by wednesday, but sunday night...i felt ready. 

tonight i tried to re-create this ritual.  let me tell you that it's a bit more complicated now.  because i have more responsiblilties than laying out my gym clothes and new earrings.  but i'm really working on this whole "planning" things better.  in learning about myself i have realized that i may not be a planner by nature, but i need to be one.  almost anytime i feel confident or have a success i had made a plan.  i can't tell you how many times i have kicked myself because i put off planning something important.  so i'm trying to look ahead, not too far.  just enough to encourage and inspire this crazy and spontaneous girl.

so it's funny, because for a while i've been trying to plan in my head what i want to do before i turn 30, like i might turn into a stone or just forget who i am once i hit the big 3 0.  and since i turn 30 in 4 days i think i may need to modify my plans a bit.  i don't think i will be going to india or getting a book published or going here for groceries and then having a fabulous dinner party, but i can start planning some of these big things and put them out into the universe.  because that is how every big, huge, tiny, any-thing begins.  with intent.  a plan.  and then small action steps everyday to lead us to a goal. 
well i'd better go lay out my new earrings for tomorrow.
it's a big week ahead!!

this weekend =

what is the meaning of life?

whatever you want it to be.

-james frey

i feel your pain bro

tonight, i drove 12.8 miles to a little blue house and sat in a pretty back yard and listened to people talk.
it was an NVC group and i feel very energized by this kind of communication
here is the link  http://www.cnvc.org/ if you wish to learn more.
tonight i listened more than i spoke which was hard for me.
it was great fun.  it was transforming.  i learned a lot about myself.  mostly, that listening is a wonderful tool.
and the other thing i realized, is that i really love to talk and share.  I talk a lot, i have lots to share. and the good thing is that this blog can be a great outlet for that.  i can "talk" and share and people don't have to read it or people can.  it's still scary for me, putting my feelings out there, i'm just not so in touch with them and i think anything unknown breeds fear.  so i am learning about my feelings and it's fun and challenging.

i also learned the difference between these two nouns empathy and sympathy

empathy(noun):  The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

sympathy(noun):  Feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.

non violent communication (NVC) practices empathy.  we practiced it tonight and it felt foreign to me which made me sad yet hopeful because i am now aware and trying.

i don't know if it was from a movie or what, but talking about empathy and really learning it's definition made me think of a guy; sitting, intently listening, with longish sun bleached hair, maybe smoking a joint, nodding, smiling and squinty eyed, saying slowly and meaningfully "i feel your pain bro"  i bet you he "gets" what empathy is.

i'm gonna try to feel more and think less

goodness

funny, i didn't think i had many pictures to post tonight, but i do and i love them all.  they are real and beautiful and they string together wonderfully balanced, each one supporting another.



lately we have been :   bug hunting, going for walks, drinking tea, eating lots of snacks, relaxing and enjoying ourselves.








bayleys favorite thing to do is go look for bugs, this is the bug playground she loves so much




















everyone should be required to own and use lavendar essential oil, it's magical.  i dare you to inhale the scent and try not to be calm and smile.






after a day feeling like my mind was so jumbled that nothing could untangle it, it is nice to reflect on the goodness of life and realize what really matters.  it's so much simpler than it seems.

goodnight to all, may everyone find the goodness

Bayley boo

Today Bayley put her shoes on the right feet all by herself.
I couldn't believe it, I remember thinking just the other day how far away that milestone was. She is growing so fast, I feel like every time i turn around she looks older, acts older,is older. Thank goodness she still has her baby cheeks and I kiss them and gobble them up every chance I get. I Love baby cheeks!!!

The other day I spilled some wax from a candle on my nightstand and I didn't clean it up right away. Today bayley noticed it was cleaned and said "oh, you cleaned the wax off I see".
She is so serious at times it makes me laugh.

She also dumped the entire bottle of brand new bubbles in her bath tonight and said "I just wanted more bubbles"

I had my second dr appt with the naturopath today and I feel great.

Next post will have pictures.

Sleepy time

assets

i feel peace

i am confident

i am honest with myself and others

i am loved and supported unconditionally

i trust myself and others

i can't do it all so i ask for help

i make informed decisions

i plan ahead

i find the good in everyone

i have unwavering faith

i forgive and let go

i am strong in my beliefs

i set boundaries that reflect my intuition

i have many emotions and feelings and all are acceptable because i know how to handle them

i know my limits and can express them

i am balanced

i am the best wife and mother i can be

i am not perfect, but i  accept and learn from my mistakes (lessons)

i will never stop trying

i will put into action anything and everything to make these statements true for myself.


oh ya!!!!

life is messy

this whole parenting thing has been shaking the core of me.  in a very good, yet hard to accept certain things way.  i never dreamed it would be like this.  i just thought.  "i'm good with kids, it will all work out."  and sometimes i think i need to go back to that and stop overanalyzing every little thing.  what i'm learning now and i think its the hardest.  is that i make mistakes, lots of them.  and i need to make even more.

mistakes are a good thing, they are proof that we are still living, breathing and trying.

i realized this tonight over cheese and crackers.
i wanted to spread bayleys kaukauna chedder spread onto her ritz cracker for her, but she wanted to do it.  it was painful for me to think that the hard, cold, thick cheese was going to crumble that delicate little cracker into breadcrumbs and then it would be a big failure for her.  seriously, i know. it's just a cracker.  so i stopped trying to persuade her into letting me do it and i watched her.  i watched her struggle with the knife, then with her fingers and it was a big ol mess of processed crap.  but then finally, she reached a point where she was satisfied with her work and i was so relieved.  (i put the cheese on the other two crackers by the way.)  i'm trying, really i am.
so failure is really hard for me, but i'm realizing that my fear of failure is actually making me run in circles.  scared, safe circles doing the same things and getting the same results.  and i don't want to do that, i want to take chances and strike out (well not really, but i want to want to strike out) and then feel good about my risks and achievements.  and i want this even more for bayley.  spill the milk, drop the fork, make a mess, make a bigger mess and then smile because you're still trying and it's getting a little easier everyday to fail and get back up again. 

off to see how many messes i can make!!!




first manicure, she is so proud of her pretty pink fingernails

whoa slow down

we have had some full past few days and i love it, but i need to slow down.



and eat and sleep and relax





my mom left and we miss her so much







soooooooooooo very tired

goodnight



My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.



Maya Angelou

I won't forget

I just don't ever want to forget...

The way she asks me to dance with her in the middle of a restaurant, and I do

Her soft chubby cheeks that I kiss goodnight every night long after she is asleep

The way she grabs my face and looks into my eyes and gives me a big kiss with her binky in her mouth

How she loves playing grocery store and now owns 3 shopping carts.

How she loves looking for bugs and is so fascinated with them and picks them up and kisses them.

That her favorite snack is prunes

Her singing and how she gets all American idolish when she gets really excited.

How she loves playing pretend and likes me to be the wicked witch from the wizard of oz. She likes to do something nice for the witch so she will be nice and not wicked anymore.

How I am learning that when I get irritable or frustrated with her, it is my cue to stop and be in the moment with her. To listen and ask questions and love.

Saturday thoughts

Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better.  ~Samuel Beckett

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

"it's easy enough to be pleasant when life flows along like a song, but the man worth while is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong."

When life feels really difficult, it's usually a big red flag that we can learn something about ourselves.

I haven't bitten my nails in ten days

Today we got a new carseat for bayley and went to the olive garden
My mom made roast beef and mashed potatoes
I loved laying in bed and eating a noodle bowl while watching perfect couples with Adam.
Bayley is using the word actually a lot these days. "actually my mouth is big."


"don't worry so much, it's just life.". (a psychic witch from Venice beach)

I can't wait for Easter this year

I'm reading Natalie Goldburg's "writing down the bones"
And I love it

Some favorite quotes from it:

"our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist-the real truth of who we are..."

"...it takes tremendous effort to just follow the rules if your heart isn't in it."

"the best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous.". - Suzuki roshi

"but we should never underestimate people. They do desire the cut of truth."

"we don't live for ourselves, we are interconnected"

new

i got a new car
it's my dream car
and i'm so happy
thank you everyone

i honestly had a near panic attack, i was so excited.





and my sweet girl has been sick, but such a delight.  she is pure love















lots of emotions tonight, too many to discuss on this public space. 

but i know that love will be the most powerful, it always is.

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands. ~Quoted by Alexandra Penney in Self

sick

my girl is sick...
long night

let's go let go

tonight as i was trying to conquer my mount everest pile of dishes in the sink when i looked over at bayley.
she was on the couch watching caillou and eating yogurt and i thought to myself  "i wish i didn't have to use the tv as a babysitter" 
oh well, sometimes it just happens and she's entertained.  i started to feel okay with it, after all it was caillou. he's very nice and it's sort of educational as well.  just about the time i justified her tv watching  i glanced back over.
I found my just bathed, little angel, finger painting with her whole body her table with her organic vanilla yogurt.
like ALL OVER everything. 
i remained calm, explained why we don't do that and cleaned up.
and a little while earlier, while bayley was watching Tangled.  she did this to her face and told me she put on lipstick.



my conclusion is that tv's make horrible babysitters and shouldn't be trusted.

which draws me to my other conclusion which is:
2 year olds are crazy and "letting go" of things seems to work.
i'm picking my battles, lowering my expectations and knowing that 99% of the time i have something planned in my head it's not going to happen exactly that way.  and that's okay, because i can be flexible. and other people can be flexible too!
and not feel guilty 
that's the tricky one, but i think that letting go of guilt brings so much peace and inner joy to life.
i know so.
i proved it tonight, after a long day of "letting go"
i laid with bayley and was able to just be.  in the moment, with no fear or worries or thoughts. 
and honestly, that was my first time there. 



it was pure bliss and i'm goin back again.


“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”



- Oprah Winfrey












Peace  (those are bayley's peace signs)