confidently

Here is a letter to everyone. You open it. It says, Live. ~Rumi

lately i have been doing a lot of tweaking in the parenting department.  i have been trying to see what works the best and what i can throw out the window.  my best friend is confidence and trusting what really feels right for me in my heart.  only then am i able to enforce what i believe in with conviction.  this is huge, kids have a sixth sense and can tell when we are weary.  when i am having a tough time i try to channel my inner motivational speaker.  who would you rather take direction from, joel olsteen or hitler? does a screaming dictating parent usually get the results they want? i haven't seen it happen, and i've been to walmart many a times.  but joel and oprah, they've got audiences beaming with enthusiasm.  a nice balance of kindness, firmness and confidence is what's working for me. 

A good day

My cleaning frenzy started early. I actually got 8 hrs of sleep last night so i woke up feeling great. We stayed home. It rained. We watched movies and I let Bayley play on the iPad too long. We snacked and drank chocolate milk. Bayley changed her dress 4 times. She took a mid day bath and splashed all over after I'd cleaned the bathroom. I felt the baby move. She helped me make dinner and we ate lentils, acorn squash and spinach and didn't watch tv. We talked. Yesterday morning she asked me over breakfast"so mama, what was your dream about?"
And this evening over dinner she asked me if boy mermaids have penis'. Hmmm that was a tough one, but I guessed yes. Then she told me girls have "paginas". Oh I love the innocence of this age. I Didn't yell today. I was confident and firm. I felt like I did a really good job today in the mom department. I felt balanced and I like that. I'm laying in bed under clean sheets listening to the rain. Yesterday was a busy day with new friends and I think it fueled me. And I'm nesting for sure. I just hope this continues. Adam comes home on Friday and I'm so glad because I need my other half.
Goodnight

I remember

I remember looking at Bayley as a little baby, lying next to her in bed watching her sleep. I remember thinking "I never want to forget this"
I thought the exact thought tonight as I laid beside her.
I don't ever want to forget her chubby cheeks that I kiss all day, chipped fingernails, bangs that are growing out, wearing a princess dress every single day, "mama, can I have a treat?"
Her singing at the top of her lungs as we grocery shop, her curiosity, the way she loves an audience watching her dance, the way she will try so hard to get me to lighten up and laugh when I'm being too serious-oh how I need that! The way she teaches me how to live life on purpose and to be true to myself.

Oh how I cherish these days!!

we are fine

sometimes i say "be careful" so many times in one day that i just start saying it automatically and  most of the time it is unnecessary. do i really need to tell my daughter to be careful as she hangs on to the end of the grocery cart as she has a hundred times before? does it make a difference?  how many times does a kid hurt themselves and the parent say " i thought i told you to be careful?"  doesn't that sound silly?  kids don't want to hurt themselves.  and as a parent i believe that making a child fearful of everything and everyone is much more damaging than a bump on the head or a broken bone.  don't get me wrong i want to protect my children, but i also want to protect thier future outlook on life.   i want to raise children to know that the world is a safe and nurturing place, because it is.  it is all in our perception.  i've watched the news and am well aware of the random dangers like getting ecoli from hamburger and children being abducted from shopping malls in the blink of an eye,  but are these the things i want to focus on? no.  i want to be aware, yes.  because awareness is our best defense to any catastrophe. but i don't want to live in fear of every minute and teach my child to do the same.

because at the end of the day, we are fine. 

and our biggest problem may be worrying about the next day.
i want to give more thought and intention to the good, the positive.
i do believe that my three and a half year old is much more aware than i am.  "mama, what is that black thing?"  "mama, we are by the mall!"  "mama, why do you smell like chocolate?"  She is fully tuned into all five senses at all times.  She isn't worried about bills or the dentist appointment she needs  to make.  She has no distractions and is fully present.  wouldn't that be a refreshing way to live?  to just know that everything is going to be fine and tune into the present moment with every ounce of your being.  
she is my guru and i have much to learn from her. 
when i am aware i don't default to "be careful" a hundred times over.
i engage, i respond, i show instead of tell.
i let it go

"what you do speaks so loud, i cannot hear what you say."    -Emerson

Happy Birthday to my Mom

Happy Birthday Mom!!!  I miss you so much and i wish i could be with you and bake you a cake and make yummy food and laugh and have fun!!  I love you so much and I am so lucky and grateful to have you as my Mom.  I hope you have a wonderful day!!!

lots of love,
Abbey

lucky

i love how bayley can't pronounce her s's
i love my wonderfully sweet husband and that her sent me flowers
i love staying at my mom and grandmas and spending time with them
i love thai chicken soup
i love lime
i love pinterest
i love baby kallies head tilt and wave
i love opposums
i love seeing the good in everything no matter what
i love sand
i love pottery barn
i love having lots of good friends
i love good news
i love zucchini bread
i love every second of this wonderful blessed life

Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas. ~Shoseki

grate"full"

today was a glorious day
it rained and we stayed home
we played "my little ponies" which consists of me chasing bayley around in circles and i am the scary zebra pony and she is twilight sparkles
we made cupcakes and i learned if you don't use a mixer, they turn out better
i really do love having all our stuff in storage because its helping me learn what i can do without and what i cherish and miss (my le creuset soup pot and mom's cast iron skillet)
i made lentil vegetable soup and crescent rolls and put a dollop of cream cheese inside the crescent roll and then put butter on top,  heaven!!!  oh and trader joes crescent rolls are the only ones i buy now, they are healthier and yummier.
oh and you know those spoons at japanese restaurants for miso soup, well i bought a couple at the asian market for bayley and they work great for soup.
we watched movies like "feck"  (shrek 3)  kinda sounds like a bad word when bayley says it, but i still love that she can't pronounce her "s's"  skip=kip  skeleton=keleton  skittle=kittle 
our library here has the most amazing selection of kids movies, better than any movie rental place.
we built a fort and i browsed pinterest because it's my new favorite internet addiction
at bedtime bayley has been saying her prayers out the window and its so sweet it made me cry the other night.  she thanks God for everything she loves and tonight it was cupcakes, cars and bubble guppies.  some nights its family and puppies, pillows and water.  i'm just so grateful that she is learning gratitude and how to practice it daily.  it makes my heart ooze happiness.
and since bayley didn't take a nap, she actually cut me off mid book tonight and said "mom, lets go to sleep"  you could say i was speechless considering last night i laid with her for over an hour as she tossed and whined and begged for another snack and drink and potty and back rubs.
the evening ended with adam and i laughing til we cried reading auto text correct. 


i have been getting really frustrated lately with bayley not listening and i really didn't like some of the things i was saying and my tone.  i was nagging, punishing, being way too harsh.  i realized that it is my problem how i react, not hers.  i am her parent and i am here to teach her, not dictate.  the thing is, most of the time she is teaching me way more than i am teaching her.  a three year old is living how we all should be living.  in the present moment, happy just to be exactly where they are.  so after reading up a little on the montessori method, i decided to try a new approach.  instead of getting all bent out of shape over something and saying something like "nooooooooooooooooo bayley, stop that right now"  i have started to remain calm but firm.  and if it's not that big of a deal, i either let it go or i ask her kindly. sort of how i would talk to a friend or coworker instead of "i need you to throw your candy wrapper in the trash" 
i try "hey bayley can you please throw your candy wrapper away?"  a lot of it is about tone, the second she senses my irritability, she is gonna up the ante big time. 
the more i started thinking about being kinder and more patient, i realized that a lot of time people are nicer to complete strangers than to their spouse and kids.  obviously families can have a lot of stress and no one is perfect, but i am starting to realize that this is a big deal for me.  i want to do whatever i can to minimize our stress so that i can be less snappy and irritable and more light hearted and thoughtful.  because what a huge difference i feel when i control the crazy lady inside me and now my child listens more often and we are both much happier.

pumpkin patch this weekend and more good good things  coming soon

peace out

wherever you go, there you are

i think i can survive anything
after driving cross country with a bad case of bronchitis, being put on steroids that actually made me lose my mind and have a 48 hour panic attack, and settling into a place i've never even been...
i am alive
and doing quite well
except i really miss my mom, will you come move here please?

they say to give a new place a year before you decide if you like it or not.  we've been here a month and things are growing on me yet at the same time i am feeling my california roots tugging at me more often than i imagined they would.  i love the true autumn that the midwest has to offer.  i stop at every gold tree and take pictures like some crazy tourist at the Eiffel tower.  people stare, it's funny.  we are living downtown and can see the st louis arch out our window.  i am getting to know my way around downtown and can walk to the grocery store, library, starbucks and several restaurants.  i get lost everyday, it's the only way i learn how to find my way...eventually.

Bayley is taking it all in and sets such a great example of acclimating




doing yoga








i've actually been cooking quite a bit even though our kitchen is tiny, it's kind of challenging and fun

apple crisp











grand canyon






flagstaff, az


family photo  ha








easy healthy dinner that is cheap

-chinese chicken legs

marinate organic chicken legs in
soysauce (about a cup)
2 tblsp minced fresh garlic
2 tblsp minced fresh ginger
pepper
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp olive oil

bake on parchment paper on cookie sheet at 375 til browned well
40 min-hr depending on how big the legs

at the end melt butter on each leg and dot with honey
bake a couple minutes longer




-sauteed bok choy

bok choy is so cheap at asian markets  and so healthy

rinse well and chop in one inch pieces



heat olive oil in a pan on high and add bokchoy
toss and add more olive oil
add soy sauce
cook 5 minutes

serve with trader joes basmati rice

yummy









goodnight

We're not in Kansas anymore

Well actually we are in Kansas
But Definitely a far ways away from California.
Funny though, last night I had the best Mexican food I've ever had. In Kansas!!
We've Gone through Arizona, new Mexico, Texas, the Oklahoma panhandle, Kansas, and today we hit st Louis Missouri!!
I'm almost a little sad that this road trip is ending, it's been kinda long, but it's brought me peace in unexpected ways.

Also, I am loving listening to Oprah and Martha Stewart on my xm radio.

Bayley loves watching my little pony on the iPad and playing games.

And I am sure Adam and miss kitty are jammin out to some nice country music in the jeep.

The past 2 nights we have had a jacuzzi and pool in our hotel which has been awesome, especially for bayley.

Today we arrive at our new home.

There's no place like home
There's no place like home
There's no place like home

Day 2. Disheveled but happy

It's 645 am and we are at the canyon plaza resort
Next door there is a girl singing Adeles "rolling in the deep" and she's on repeat.
I am waiting patiently for my tiny pot of hotel coffee and really missing my 60 second keurig maker.
But I'm missing a lot of things and that's okay. Whenever I feel uncomfortable, or out of my element, that's when I know that the universe is arranging itself to accommodate my inner desires, hopes and dreams.
Comfort is good, but it's stagnant. Every once in a while my soul needs upheaval. Where I just leave it all up to God and know that these crazy days are what make up a life well lived.

Last night we ate dinner overlooking the Grand canyon, priceless experience. As I finished my glass of wine and approached the edge of the south rim, I got goosebumps. My jaw dropped and I just stood there in awe. If that isn't the best example of something made magnificent over time, then I don't know what is. I read that the bottom rock of it was over 2 billion years old. Baffles my mind. I wonder how cool I would be if I were 2 billion years old?

Oh and we saw bears and elk. Like 6 feet from our car. So freaking cool.

Bayley is a trooper, at 3 years old I know she kind of understands, but kind of is confused. But she just takes it all in and we do a lot of distracting and bribing with candy and presents. But don't worry, our new apartment is only 7 miles from a whole foods so we will be eating healthy again soon.

Next stop is albaquerque and I'm excited to see the red rock and another killer sunset and meet up with our friend.

My car is quite a sight, I had these dreams of being that super organized mom. The one with band aids and neosporin at arms reach. The one with ziplock baggies labeled for each day of the trip with goodies corresponding to the place we are at.
The one who has her shit together.
Nope, im lucky if I can hurl back a couple lollipops and a disheveled barbie.
Oh the barbies...
Looks like they had a long night on the town and now they all are crashing in random places in my car with fruit loops glued into their hair.
Maybe I'll try to organize?? Or maybe I'll leave it up to Adam, cause he's really good at that. Thank goodness!!

Signing off from 6500 feet.

big

Bayley likes to play with bugs
and a lot of times it's me who is scooping up the worm from the clayish dirt and placing it in a new spot, like in her hand or a pink toddler tupperware comtainer. yesterday as the movers packed every item in our house, i felt like that worm.
we are in the hands of a higher power and i like that
don't get me wrong, i had 7 panic attacks yesterday and drank 3 bloody marys at dinner

the unknown is freaking scary

but i know from experience that change always preceds growth

i have so many feelings going racing through my mind right now, but my exhaustion supercedes everything so that is a nice distraction.

so many times in my life i've felt like when something big happened, i was the only one who ever would experience such a thing and that no one else knew what i was going through.
now i know better
everyone on this planet is dealing with something "big" at one time or another and everyone is just doing thier best to cope with the "big" emotions and feeling that go along with it.
moves, births, illness, travels, graduations, losses, break ups, weddings
it's all just life. and there are always going to be the positives and negatives of all of it

so here i go

to me it's the biggest deal in the world, like it's gonna be on yahoo headlines tomorrow morning
"The Bernardi family moves to St. Louis Missouri!"

but i know better

last night in my hometown state

California you will be missed

lot's of love

peace

Abbey



I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright



“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.” — Helen Keller

i always loved the light that shined in just so, illuminating the smudgy little hand prints on the window