a birth story

I love babies, like i really really love them. As hard and as crazy as it has been, it is so incredibly amazing and no amount of stress can take away from that sweet-straight from heaven essence of a newborn. Lyla, last night i was holding you, staring at your sweet face and i just started crying and thanked God for sending you to me. I truly believe that babies are sent here to teach us, to ground us and remind us of how simple and beautiful life is. Not the other way around. You are eight weeks old today and already i have learned more from you than i can even explain. I have been so nervous to write the story of how you came into this world, mostly because i don't think words can do it justice and partly because it was so amazing that part of me wants to go back and do it again and i know i can't and that hurts. I love watching you grow, but sometimes i just wish i could freeze time because it is going by so fast. I love you with all my heart and soul. Love, Mama Lyla was born at 4:44pm on July 4, 2012 like many times in my life, i didn't feel ready. but i was. I was having contractions the night before, but most of them were pretty weak. I decided to wake Adam up after they were consistent, but because Bayley(my first daughter) was early and a c section i really didn't know what to expect. We showered and slowly got things together. I imagined they would send me home, but I was excited to do a hospital run. It seemed like the cool thing to do. Like in father of the bride 2, yes i imagined it would be just like that. We arrived at the hospital and checked into triage. They put the pink and blue bands around my tummy. One to check the contractions and one to monitor the babies heart beat. The nurse said that I was having regular contractions and that my doctor wanted to admit me. what?!?! I didn't feel ready, this couldn't be it. I was trying to have a vbac, but after staying up all night and not being able to eat, i was feeling pretty out of it and ready to have my baby. My doctor wasn't available so the other doctor came in to explain the risks and give us the options. I was having contractions, but wasn't dilating. This was potentially dangerous since I had a previous c section. They worry about uterine rupture. We listened to the risks and started to talk about what was the best choice. Wait and see if labor progresses so I could have a natural birth or a repeat c section. I figured either way would probably be fine, especially if they were giving me the choice but i opted for another c section. It was so amazing to have Adam by my side this time. I will never forget lying in the dark with him in that room trying to get some sleep. We held hands and I was more grateful than ever that he was with me. oh and I had the most amazing nurse ever, her name was Erin and she was more like a sister than my nurse. She was with us through tears and hugs and lots of love. I will never forget her kindness and compassion. We got prepped for the operating room and my Mom came to see me and tell me everything was going to be fine and give me a hug. I walked into the room full of crazy equipment. I figured, there were enough machines and medications and people there to keep me alive. I was so afraid of dying on the operating table. I was a wreck. Until they gave me this drug called fentanyl. That stuff's amazing. I went from panic attack to i just had 3 shots of tequila in 4 seconds. It saved me. It starts getting blurry after this, but i still remember. The doctor started, i felt pressure, i felt pain, i felt excited. The anesthesiologist didn't numb me all the way so I was actually feeling things and he almost had to put me under completely. It was all so fast. Then I heard the most amazing sound in the world. That first cry, the scream. I remember asking if she was breathing and the doctor said "do you hear her?!" she was loud and perfect and beautiful and Adam was right next to me and we kissed and it was all perfect. Not perfect how I imagined it, but perfect how it was. And that is how life is, if we accept that things can be great even if it's not how we planned. I kissed her little head and they took her to clean her and weigh her. Adam cut the cord and took pictures. As I was wheeled into recovery I kept asking everyone if I was ok. People started looking at me funny. I was still afraid I was going to die. Surgery freaks me out, I can't help it. I was so excited I got to nurse her right away. I just held her and looked at her with new eyes. It was a whole new world and dimension of love. I didn't want to put her down. The hospital bassinet only got used when I had to use the bathroom. We stayed 3 nights and those nights were magical. Having Adam there healed me a little bit, since he wasn't there for our first born, Bayley. I laid in my hospital bed feeling so grateful. Here are some more details from this beautiful story...