A moment

I had one of those moments today as a parent... Where I felt like I actually did the right thing and that maybe I am on the right track. I was about to put bayley in a time out for not listening and although it didn't really feel right,I insisted. Then as I set her on the rug she calmed down and through her cries said "excuse me mama" and I said "what honey?" and she said "can you hold me nicely?". She melted into my arms and I knew there was no way she was going into a time out. She was able to identify what she needed and ask for it. I think that is such an important skill in life. I want her to know that she can ask for what she needs and most of the time get it. Not being material things, but true human needs like affection or solitude. I want her to trust me and me to be trustworthy. I also want her to trust the world and know that she can get her needs met.

birth day

It's 5:55 a.m. and i keep contemplating going back to sleep. But i just made a cup of newmans own organic coffee so there's no turning back now. i wish i had a danish. Today is my Birthday, I am 31 years old. Typing that seems so strange. I remember 31 being the age that my Mom had me and thinking that age was so far away. But it really wasn't. Fortunatley, I feel like everything has just begun. Like i'm finally becoming myself after carrying around some baggage. Bags full of other peoples expectations and problems and bags of self doubt and self defeating thoughts. Bags full of stuff that i didn't want or need but somehow accumulated along the way. Emotional hoarding. Like when you go to a trade show and all of a sudden your purse is loaded down with 7 beer coozies, ugly keychains and coupons for sausage and household cleaners. So here's to leaving those bags at baggage claim, to not picking up stuff unless it serves me well. what serves me well?? This Birthday is especially meaningful for me. I am home. I remember months ago siting at the table discussing what we were going to do. Adam's job was requiring him to travel ridiculous amounts and i was pregnant. We felt trapped and afraid. He kept applying for jobs in san diego but it was too hard because he couldn't be there in person for the tests/interviews. I remember saying "ok, here is what we are going to do" and rambled off some crazy thought that just jumped into my head but didn't seen very logical. Like "just quit your job and we will move into my mom and grandmas and live on our savings and you will find a job when we get there." Adam said "ok" So basically that's what we did. We took a leap of faith and nothing bad happened. Good things actually happened! Challenging without a doubt, but I think facing challenges and making tough decisions is what makes people stronger and more authentic. I am so grateful to my wonderful network of family and friends who have helped us so much. Happy Birthday to me!! "some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity... " -gilda radner