Right now

These girls are showing me more joy and love than I ever thought was possible.  I love them with every ounce of my being.

testing testing 123

hello, anybody there?

Proud mama

Dear Bayley, I can't even describe how proud of you I am. You have had so many big girl accomplishments in the past month and my heart and soul are so proud. My favorite part is watching how proud you are of yourself. That is one of the most important things in life; to conquer our fears and feel proud of ourselves and celebrate. You started preschool. You were nervous, but at the end of the first day you were beaming with happiness and pride. You are sleeping in your own bed with just a kiss goodnight and a little lullaby . I love watching you grow and learn, it is truly amazing to see you soar. You are smart and brave and amazing! I love you forever
Love,
Mama

Halloween 2012

I remember as a kid thinking how awful it would be to grow up and not go trick or treating. Little did I know, that watching my own childs face light up and hear her giggles would prove to be even more fun and magical. I love watching the world through the eyes of our girls. Everything is magical and possible and worth smiling about! They ground me and humble me to my core and I am forever grateful for their wise little souls.

She held my hand

Today I had to go to the dentist and get 2 cavities filled. I took Lyla and set her right next to me. I set her there so I could comfort her in case she got upset. I reached down to give her the binky and she grasped my hand with her tiny fingers. She didn't let go, and when I tensed up as the dentist drilled she squeezed my hand tighter. She knew. She comforted me, she held my hand. She is a little angel. She is sleeping next to me right now. I just can't get enough of her chubby little legs and big toothless grin that just lights up the world. Her hair is sprouting and her eyes are getting a bit darker. She laughs when daddy bounces her and she can't stop smiling when she sees Bayley. Bayley is amazing with her, she talks like a little mommy to her and is such a huge help to me. The other day I told Bayley something was farther than Timbuktu and she asked me where timbuk-one was. Tonight she put on some pretty snazzy clothes and told me she was going to a party with her stuffed animals.
Honestly, I am exhausted. My hormones are crazy and I have a little post partum depression. But these days are so very precious to me. They are amazing and tough and exactly what I've always wanted. I know that we are only guaranteed this present moment and it means more what we do right now than any big future plans do. So I try to let things go and just love. Love what I have right now, which is a whole lot.

Beautiful distractions

We just moved into a beautiful condo and I am so happy...

But I really just want to be settled and have everything put away so that I can try to function like a regular human being.

I know I am putting way too much pressure on myself. I have a 4 yr old and a 3 month old. But that's just it, I want to enjoy them because this time is going by way too fast! We have too much stuff and stuff equals time. I want to spend my time watching Lyla smile and baking cookies with Bayley. Right now I am swimming in boxes and I am tempted to just pitch it all. I will admit...
I am a blanket/quilt hoarder and a basket hoarder. Oh and a book and magazine hoarder. Ok, maybe I'm just a hoarder....
My goal is to take a few steps toward being a minimalist by Monday.

10 good things

I really need to take a shower
Somehow writing seems more urgent. Hopefully this mini coronita will help my brain slow down and somehow spit out something meaningful which is always my intent.
So since it's been awhile and I like lists and i have a few hundred things on my mind...
1. I am so proud of my Husband!! He starts the Sheriff's Academy next month. He is doing an amazing job juggling all the crazy demands right now and I am so proud to be his wife. Love Love Love him!
2. We are moving into a beautiful condo in San Diego. I am so grateful that we were able to stay with my Mom and Grandma while we figured out what the heck we were doing. They have been such a huge help to us and I am so lucky to have them, I love them so very much.
3. Lyla is the sweetest and most relaxed baby and I feel so blessed to have her. She sleeps great, eats great and smiles and coos and talks. I am loving every second of her. At 2 months old she weighs 11 lbs 14oz and is 23 inches long (90 percentile)
4. Bayley has been in a choir class and is meeting new friends all over town. She is sooooooo amazing with Lyla. Her baby talk is hilarious!! She is always saying the funniest things! Tonight as i dished up her plate of food she said "quick mom, take a picture and put it on pinterest so other people can make it!!" I love her and her wild soul so much. Tonight we made her Rapunzel hair for her Halloween costume, it was so fun and pretty simple. I posted a picture on Facebook.
5. I really love cup of noodles
6. Would anyone want to come over to my new house and have a compassionate communication meet up?
7. I'm addicted to instagram and pinterest
8. Simplicity parenting is a great book and it's making me want to become a minimalist.
9. Today I went to Michaels craft store and I remember why I stopped going. I nearly had a craftastic anxiety attack with all the fall swag. scarecrows. freaking. everywhere.
10. Fall is my favorite season and I can't wait to go wine tasting in Julian and feel the gooey guts of a pumpkin in my palms. I'm not sure what it is, but my spirit craves Fall. Apple Cider, warmth, football gatherings, homey things and cinnamon candles. i dig it.

The other day I had an assignment to do and it really got me thinking about people and our needs and how simple it is to be kind to ourselves and others.
So I shall share
I was asked to write down 10 good qualities about myself and ask 3 people to do the same for me. Easy enough, except I forgot and had to text 5 people at the last minute and have them text me the answers. Luckily they were awesome and delivered!
As I read them off I started crying, what beautiful things they had wrote. It made my heart so very happy.
And I began thinking...
we should all do this!! And it's easy, and its takes no time at all!!
10 good things
about..
Adam
1. hard working 2. loving 3. compassionate 4. loyal 5. sensitive 6. smart 7. thoughtful 8. strong 9. creative 10.clean
Donna
1. Empathetic 2. kind 3. funny 4. passionate 5. fun 6. smart 7. sensitive 8. thorough 9. helpful 10. generous
Sarah
1. Loving 2. Easy going 3. passionate 4. creative 5. strong 6. funny 7. amiable 8. young at heart 9. helping 10. determined
Linsey 1. kind 2. strong 3. faithful 4. wondrous 5. free spirited 6. funny 7. light hearted 8. generous 9. patient 10. creative
Rachel 1. compassionate 2. honest 3. gentle 4. thoughtful 5. calm 6. loving 7. warm 8. kind to people and planet 9. passionate 10. fun
Chara 1. Caring 2. strong 3. practical 4. responsible 5. cheerful 6. fun 7. kind 8. hard working 9. loving 10. nurturing
So go ahead, write 10 good things about someone and give it to them! And do it for yourself too!
Life is too short to focus on the bad!! There is so much positive!!
10 good things. Go!!

a birth story

I love babies, like i really really love them. As hard and as crazy as it has been, it is so incredibly amazing and no amount of stress can take away from that sweet-straight from heaven essence of a newborn. Lyla, last night i was holding you, staring at your sweet face and i just started crying and thanked God for sending you to me. I truly believe that babies are sent here to teach us, to ground us and remind us of how simple and beautiful life is. Not the other way around. You are eight weeks old today and already i have learned more from you than i can even explain. I have been so nervous to write the story of how you came into this world, mostly because i don't think words can do it justice and partly because it was so amazing that part of me wants to go back and do it again and i know i can't and that hurts. I love watching you grow, but sometimes i just wish i could freeze time because it is going by so fast. I love you with all my heart and soul. Love, Mama Lyla was born at 4:44pm on July 4, 2012 like many times in my life, i didn't feel ready. but i was. I was having contractions the night before, but most of them were pretty weak. I decided to wake Adam up after they were consistent, but because Bayley(my first daughter) was early and a c section i really didn't know what to expect. We showered and slowly got things together. I imagined they would send me home, but I was excited to do a hospital run. It seemed like the cool thing to do. Like in father of the bride 2, yes i imagined it would be just like that. We arrived at the hospital and checked into triage. They put the pink and blue bands around my tummy. One to check the contractions and one to monitor the babies heart beat. The nurse said that I was having regular contractions and that my doctor wanted to admit me. what?!?! I didn't feel ready, this couldn't be it. I was trying to have a vbac, but after staying up all night and not being able to eat, i was feeling pretty out of it and ready to have my baby. My doctor wasn't available so the other doctor came in to explain the risks and give us the options. I was having contractions, but wasn't dilating. This was potentially dangerous since I had a previous c section. They worry about uterine rupture. We listened to the risks and started to talk about what was the best choice. Wait and see if labor progresses so I could have a natural birth or a repeat c section. I figured either way would probably be fine, especially if they were giving me the choice but i opted for another c section. It was so amazing to have Adam by my side this time. I will never forget lying in the dark with him in that room trying to get some sleep. We held hands and I was more grateful than ever that he was with me. oh and I had the most amazing nurse ever, her name was Erin and she was more like a sister than my nurse. She was with us through tears and hugs and lots of love. I will never forget her kindness and compassion. We got prepped for the operating room and my Mom came to see me and tell me everything was going to be fine and give me a hug. I walked into the room full of crazy equipment. I figured, there were enough machines and medications and people there to keep me alive. I was so afraid of dying on the operating table. I was a wreck. Until they gave me this drug called fentanyl. That stuff's amazing. I went from panic attack to i just had 3 shots of tequila in 4 seconds. It saved me. It starts getting blurry after this, but i still remember. The doctor started, i felt pressure, i felt pain, i felt excited. The anesthesiologist didn't numb me all the way so I was actually feeling things and he almost had to put me under completely. It was all so fast. Then I heard the most amazing sound in the world. That first cry, the scream. I remember asking if she was breathing and the doctor said "do you hear her?!" she was loud and perfect and beautiful and Adam was right next to me and we kissed and it was all perfect. Not perfect how I imagined it, but perfect how it was. And that is how life is, if we accept that things can be great even if it's not how we planned. I kissed her little head and they took her to clean her and weigh her. Adam cut the cord and took pictures. As I was wheeled into recovery I kept asking everyone if I was ok. People started looking at me funny. I was still afraid I was going to die. Surgery freaks me out, I can't help it. I was so excited I got to nurse her right away. I just held her and looked at her with new eyes. It was a whole new world and dimension of love. I didn't want to put her down. The hospital bassinet only got used when I had to use the bathroom. We stayed 3 nights and those nights were magical. Having Adam there healed me a little bit, since he wasn't there for our first born, Bayley. I laid in my hospital bed feeling so grateful. Here are some more details from this beautiful story...